Archive for June, 1999
Sun Bad. Shade Good.
Let’s say you need to lose a few pounds. What do you do? Do you A) modify your diet, B) start a vigorous exercise routine or C) pay someone five bucks to inject you with the horrific salmonella bacteria because it might make you throw up everything you’ve eaten for the past five months and [...]
Read More..>>We’re Here and We’re Pretty Damn Queer
“Hello?” “What’re you doing?” “Um,” giggle… “I don’t want to say.” “What. Are you doing something illicit with a candlestick or something?” “No! I was just…dancing.” “You were dancing?” “Yeah, I was just dancing around my bedroom to…well, to Cheap Trick. ‘I want you to want me. I need you to need…’” “Don’t.” “Sorry.” “Why [...]
Read More..>>What’s an “Anal Probe”?
“Did you just call me?” “No.” “Oh.” “Why?” “Oh, I was just online trying to figure out this fucking 3D video board thing…” “Mmm-hmm…” “You don’t care.” “Not really.” “That’s nice to know.” “So? What’d you want?” “Wow, we’re feeling friendly today. I just thought you might have called about coming over today and I [...]
Read More..>>Hell and the Single Woman
Have you ever visited the seventh ring of hell? I have. The seventh ring of hell has an open bar, a bad band, over-cooked hors d’oeuvres, cheap Chardonnay and a hundred and fifty people whom you have NEVER MET IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. If you’re lucky, you’ll cop a buzz within the first five minutes [...]
Read More..>>Thirty
Thirty. The big three-oh. The triple-cross. I just returned from my friend’s thirtieth birthday party. And let me tell you, she was none too pleased. Here are a few choice phrases I heard throughout the evening: “I can’t believe I’m fucking thirty.” “I’m old.” “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!! WOOO-HOOO!!!” “How old do you think I am? [...]
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