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Bond, Hot Bond
My friend Mary and I went to see Casino Royale on Sunday and by the time it was over, I was surprised that we hadn’t been kicked out of the damn movie theatre.
Why? Well, if you haven’t seen it, then this will mean nothing to you. And if you don’t want to lick Daniel Craig from head to toe, then this will mean even less to you. But our viewing experience pretty much went something like this…
[watch out for spoilers]
The black and white opening sequence where Bond first appears and earns his 007 status:
MARY: OOF
ERIN: Holy shit.
MARY: I…mmmmm.
ERIN: Shhhhh. Everyone’s looking.
The following initial big action sequence where Bond chases down the Nike building running guy (you know what I mean):
ERIN: Good god. He’s so–
MARY: HOT OH MY GOD.
ERIN: I just…his arms are AWESOME.
MARY: He’s wet. ERIN, HE IS ALL WET.
ERIN: He’s so broody. And mean. BOND IS MEAN.
MARY: Oh, blow ‘em all up, Daniel. And then come over here and let me lick your wounds.
When Bond appears in the Bahamas wearing a thin white short-sleeved shirt and rather, erm, tight gray pants:
MARY: Did you…
ERIN: Is it just me or is his…
MARY: ASS UNBELIEVABLE.
[Several guys in front of us at this point, most likely all straight, start shooting evil looks at us.]
MARY: Oh, WHAT? Like YOU don’t think his ass is unbelievable?
ERIN: Mary, I think they’re straight.
MARY: Who cares? Straight men probably think his ass is unbelievable too.
ERIN: It is…well, it is rather a work of art, isn’t it?
MARY: I’d really like to bounce a roll of quarters off it.
ERIN: Wait — what just happened? How’d he get that house? Where–
MARY: I have no idea. I don’t care. CRAIG’S ASS IS THE STAR OF THE MOVIE.
When Bond takes his shirt off after kicking some bad guy ass:
ERIN: Oh, Jesus.
MARY: I’m angry. I’m angry now. It’s actually making me ANGRY how hot he is.
ERIN: Calm down.
MARY: I WILL NOT. I AM ANGRY. HE CANNOT BE THIS HOT.
ERIN: It’s really not fair, is it?
MARY: IT IS NOT.
When Le Chiffre starts bleeding from his eye:
ERIN: Okay, am I the only one who thinks that Mads Mikkelsen is really hot?
MARY: YOU ARE. I AM STILL ANGRY.
ERIN: You have to see King Arthur. He’s really hot in that.
MARY: DO NOT SPEAK TO ME. FOR I AM STILL ANGRY ABOUT THE CRAIG.
When Bond is stripped naked and strapped to a chair:
MARY: Oh, they’re not –
ERIN: He’s not –
MARY: IS HE NAKED? HE IS NAKED. DANIEL CRAIG IS NAKED.
ERIN: THAT IS BOND ASS UP THERE. WE CAN SEE BOND ASS. Oh, I cannot WAIT until the stills show up online for that scene. Because you know they will. AND THERE WILL BE FREEZE-FRAMES OF HIS PENIS. YOU KNOW IT.
[Once again, the straight guys in front of us kind of look over their shoulders.]
MARY: WHAT, ARE WE INTERRUPTING YOUR HOT BOND ASS VIEWING? Turn around, bitches.
When Bond declares his love for Vesper:
ERIN: Christ. He’s even hot when he’s in love.
MARY: He must love me. ME. ANGRY.
When Bond goes to save Vesper, even though she betrayed him:
MARY: Fuck VESPER. Fuck her! She’s a bitch.
ERIN: God. He’s so hot when he’s trying to save a bitch who betrayed him.
MARY: He needs to dump that bitch. Let her die!
ERIN: Mmmmmm. He’s wet again. Mmmmmm.
When Bond shows up at the end and utters “Bond, James Bond” for the first time:
ERIN: Hee. “Bond, Hot Bond” is more like it. Good holy Christmas on an ocean cruiser does he look fantastic in that suit.
MARY: Erin. He’d look good in a burlap sack.
ERIN: Mary. He’d look good OUT OF a burlap sack.
MARY: And in my bed.
ERIN: Obviously.
I’m fairly certain the Kips Bay movie theatre will not allow us to return, like, EVER.
Nov 23rd, 2006
Oh my god that was hilarious! You officially have me convinced that I MUST see this movie this instant.
I think I had exactly the same conversation(s) when all of my best girlfriends and I went to see it last week.
I mean SERIOUSLY. Hot hot hot.
And I agree re: Mads Mikkelson. Not so hot in this (except, strangely, during the torture scene…but that may have been hotness transfer because Daniel Craig was NAAAAKED!), but hotsy totsy in King Arthur (there’s a sentence no one’s ever used before!).
(let me know when you find those stills, eh…)
I was actually going to skip viewing this one. But you’ve managed to accomplish what all the hype, ads and media couldn’t. He’s that hawt? Why didn’t they say so?
When he walks out of the water in those little swimming short? SO. HOT. I. COULD. NOT. BREATHE.
Oh I am soo going to see this after reading that!!
Yeah. See, when I told my friends that seeing Craig in the Bond trailer made me want to bite the tv screen…they all looked at me funny. Glad to see I’m not the only one.
I concur on the unbelievable Bond hotness. Also, am I the only chick who wants to be Judi Dench when I grow up?
Oops, sorry – “when she grows up”. Damn tryptophan!
Oh, thank God — I was beginning to think I was the only one. I am a dedicated Bond enthusiast, and for the past few new movies, they’ve always come out right around my birthday and so the whole family goes as a birthday thing.
HOWEVER. I swear on all that is holy, I have never been so worked up coming out of a movie in my LIFE. My sister asked me over Thanksgiving if I had seen it (she hasn’t… YET) and my response was something like, “YES. Oh, God, yes. Holy crap. Wow, have you seen… no? Oh, wow. Yes.” And that was at the dinner table in front of my grandmother.
The movie as a whole kicked some serious ass. But Craig is just the most hottest thing that ever hotted. Seriously. Yowza.
I had to think all those things in my head as I was sitting next to my dad in the movie theatre. But yes, the man is Hot.
Best movie review ever. And dear sweet mother of all monkeys, Daniel Craig is the new hottness. (I’d also like to be Judi Dench/M when I grow up! Where do I apply?)
i concur 100%! thanks for putting into words (HOT) my sentiments. your play by play was great. I so love this James Bond – thank god for MI6
I took my boyfriend to see it opening weekend (for his birthday), and had a very difficult time remembering who I was there with and why we were there…rowr! I haven’t been a huge Bond fan in the past, and I was so glad to see the writers move past the cheesy one-liners and double entendres, sexual innuendo, etc. Excellent movie, and delectable leading man!!!
I don’t even know you and I thought this was hilarious. Best response to Casino Royale I’ve read so far. Seriously, everything you said was going through my mind. Just I was with my younger sister and dad, so I felt a bit awkward saying all that outloud. But seriousness, that man should be in my bed.
But what about the shower scene?? That’s when I was the most akdjfa;dksjf. That or the omg naked scene.
I concur. Mmph!
Thank you for this!! Came over here from Cleolinda on LiveJournal, and I just… Oh, my God. I have never, ever gotten so worked up from a man in a movie, and now I kind of get why guys watch porn. You know? Like, holy fricking hell. My best friend and I had virtually the same running commentary going, and it was making everyone within a four-person radius of us giggle uncontrollably, but MY GOD. With the NEKKID and the ASS and every straight woman needs to see this movie, STAT. Objectifying men is where it’s at!
Ha! Loved the commentary. I have to say, I am in love with my boyfriend and no other man really turns my eye anymore. But…DAMN! Never seen such a gorgeous man IN MY LIFE. And the naked scene…my girlfriend was laughing her ass of cuz all I could do was moan and my poor boyfriend looked quite disheartened!
Side note: Judi Dench…Hot. Pretty good for an old gal.
Watch it. I dont care if you hate James Bond with everything you possess, you will not regret it.
Oh my god. I just laughed so hard I cried. Literally CRIED. So awesome. And so true. And if you want to see more hot wet ass, check out the first Tomb Raider. The obligatory shower scene is The Hotness.
My sis and I went to see it, and most of our conversation was similar. And it’s like nothing is the same. We went out to food and even going to the bathroom isn’t the same because there’s no slamming people into faucets.
Also, Re: the torture scene..
Me: NAKED!
Sister: BLOOD!…NAKED!
ME: BLOOD! NAKED! BLOOD! NAKED!
I am in the library right now with the librarian giving me evil looks and I STILL can’t snot sniggering. That’s exactly how my best friend and I were except with hand-gestures added.
HAHAHA – Fabulous!
(formerly Irish Red)
While my reaction wasn’t quite (ahem) the same as the ladies, it was a good flick nevertheless. Oh, and btw, WELCOME TO NYC!
HAHA!
I don’t even know you but I just have to say that this is probably the funniest “review” I’ve ever seen.
How I wish I had sat next to female friends!! Instead I saw sandwiched between two guys who kept giving me strange looks when I went “HOT! HOT HOT!” and “LET’S DO THE TORTURE SCENE AGAIN!”
=D
Hee. Daniel Craig’s not shy about the full frontal. He’s not quite Ewan McGregor (whose penis has its own separate contract per film), but he’s let it all hang out on a few occasions.
Be? I want to DO Judi Dench when I grow up. Don’t care how old she is: still hot.
So I heard this rumor that Daniel Craig would be willing to do a full-frontal nude scene in a Bond flick on one condition: if the scene involved the seduction of, not a Bond girl, but a Bond boy. Not that they’d ever do it — they don’t do bare breasts in these movies — but I’d pay double ticket price. Just saying, Barbara Broccoli. The market’s out there.
The gunbarrel sequence? HOTTEST. THING. EVER. I wanted to die. It’s so nice to have a Bond who looks like he could actually do all the silly things they have him doing. Fuck Pierce Brosnan.
Heh. We just probably annoyed everyone by going ‘ooo, product placement #12!’